Auezkhan Kodar. Translated by Danial Saari. Chuchmek-name (pseudo-classical essay on old and new barbarians)

Chuchmek is a prerevolutionary designation of national minorities, the same as «hose» and «scoop» but only with an oriental flavor.

 From the author’s notebook

I played the role of Hamlet, Polonius and now I play the shadow of Hamlet’s father, the next role is Yorick’s skull.

Mikhail Kazakov

 

As usual, we will start with a dialogue.

— What are the new barbarians?
— I’m afraid that it’s all the same old Chuchmeks…
— And what are the Chuchmeks?
— These are the substances that are dominated in zoology…
— Over what?
— Everything. You see, Chuchmek — is a continuous body, a body without organs.
— I think, on the contrary. Apparently, Chuchmek — is a solid organ, an organ without body.
— Yes, it’s a severe case. But that organ… is it male or female one?
— You’re fool, we have only state organs!..

 

***

So, let’s go closer to the body. Chuchmek – is neither «Kacap» nor «Kalbit», but exactly a creature without ethnic lines, created in the domestic test tube of the «friendship of peoples» and therefore is extremely susceptible to political demagogy. At different times he (Chuchmek) was called differently but once in four years he was rewarded with a seductive nickname «electorate» from which he is losing the last vestiges of intellect.

But as it is known, the tongue is toothless and printing press as well. So be aware that these — are the tools of Chuchmek. With the help of them he reproduces himself and his posterity. In this case, I remember the statement of one Argentinean, though, not Maradona. That crank liked to say on occasion and without: «He hated mirrors and copulation, they multiplied people». As for Chuchmek, he is on the contrary endlessly loves this and that and, in general, all sorts of multiplications and multiplying.

It is easier to hide and conceal anything: up to own impotence and hermaphroditism. In short, Chuchmek — is a two-back animal with two tongues licking each other. When he is asked for «Yes» or «No» instead of this miserable alternative he finds a beautiful figure of silence then very similar to fig…

Chuchmek can be defined continuously. Because it is not determinable in any way. It has nothing to hold on to. This is something round and flabby, a shapeless mass that have never been on a potter’s wheel. Any potter who undertook to give it form was drowning himself in a sea of the primordial chaos. He didn’t even have time to get crazy. He was dying alive as a victim in the belly of a python.

And still what is Chuchmek? This is a humanoid with no windows and doors with cunning staring tools instead of eyes. There you can poke even a million thousand but in returns you will get fig only or summons to court. Nevertheless, one should not think that Chuchmek — is only a schemer and a bore. He needs culture and art, religion and philosophy, in short, anything you want up to yoga but without yogi.

Culture carrier for Chuchmek is all the same as a louse which must be pushed and pushed. You can crunch by one click but it doesn’t mean that the land you will be a lint for you. Oh, it is far not so! During your life you will till the last rob pants flashing in the grave by bare remains have to pay the last thing — your name.

God knows what Chuchmek can deal with your good name: he will smooth and comb, and hang in plain view and all that to show off himself on your background! Because Chuchmek always fatally lacks legitimacy and, above all, in his own eyes. That’s why he needs these endless anniversaries. Astral emptiness replacing him soul like a huge endless yawning which is crying for satisfaction. So he eats everything that comes on his way up to his own faeces!

You unwittingly think of the etymology of «Chuchmek» lexeme. Doesn’t that mean it is «chush-mek», i.e., to mumble bosh, to talk nonsense? So the whole world is presented to Chuchmek as such a nonsense or backdrop in front of which he had to be photographed. And sometimes you think, it is good that God is dead. He apparently didn’t want to be the backdrop for Chuchmek. However, God had misfortunes more than anybody else. He is still very popular among Chuchmeks. To such a degree so it is time for him to write satanic poems.

Another favorite idol of Chuchmeks is the worship of ancestors. Anything that lost mind, lost the last teeth and suffers of incontinence of speech causes Chuchmek’s endless erection. And this again because at any time day or night they certainly want to look better than they are. Therefore, the worship of ancestors which has exhausted its positive content in the Bronze Age came to Chuchmeks to such an extreme degree that one must already worry about the nation. Here, at last, this word has sounded one for which Chuchmeks fawn as the Jews for their mysterious Golem bringing human sacrifices to their god like the Israelites.

Chuchmeks sometimes seem to me as a kind of divine punishment that suddenly jumped out of nowhere to devour our present. Remember the quote by Jose Ortega y Gasset about vertical invasion of barbarians. It’s just about them, about Chuchmeks! You will rarely see anywhere such an ingratitude to the generosity of being, unfathomable depth of knowledge and consciousness!..

Varieties of Chuchmeks are inexhaustible. Chuchmek — official, Chuchmek — Father of the Nation, Chuchmek — TV anchor… Well, about the first a type one won’t mention. Is it enough to say that we even have capitalism with bureaucratic snout and mafia suspenders. As in the US of the 30-ies. As in England at the time of Cromwell. Do you think we train officials at KIMEP or Cambridge? No, of course, they are picked up from the street, from the water-tower, «from the plow», from the prison facility… And what, because they are close to the people! And it’s safer somehow. They will not cheat you, at least. They will not forget to give a bribe «in hand». They are people for that reason so to be grateful. And that without the electorate you will not be appointed at a position higher than the head of the shop, this is better to not to think about. Wow, it’s difficult to imagine that each of these people could be individually struck in the face, they freeze your salary until the end of the world, they put your pension in their pocket, but gathered together this ant hill can to turn you to be a President. You need only skillfully work with these cattle. If not they are going to eat ahead of time.

Don’t forget that every Chuchmek — is a potential candidate to become a President and concurrently a father of the nation. This patriarchal syndrome is characteristic for all Chuchmeks — starting from any broker on the stock exchange to the classics of Chuchmek literature. So, we have talked about two transmutations then let’s go to the third type. And in fact, if our officials are dying from delusions of grandeur, the TV anchors are so modest that don’t even detect their secondary sexual characteristics. Whoever hosted a program male or female the impression was that they — were nobody. Do you remember the conversation of Cyclops with Odysseus? «Who are you?» — cried Cyclops shedding with tears of blood. «I am — Nobody» — answered Odysseus going away under the belly of the sheep. Here is the same situation, as if our TV anchors – are well-camouflaged talkers under someone’s mysterious belly. Of course, sorry for these poor but why do they rush on the screen if they have nothing to say?! On the other hand, censorship on television is now so rampant that «TV masters» began to go to gazebo so with greasy and masturbating smile interfere into the subconscious of the interlocutor.

Chuchmek is attracted only by Chuchmeks and nobody else. In vain you will offer him books of Kant or Makhambet. Their names for Chuchmeks as designations of the backside of the moon; one can break his neck until he ties the letter to letter. Chuchmek needs to have neck because it smoothly turns into the head that is concerned only how to get into someone’s ass so not to catch a cold in a draught of his own thought.

When you see spiders in a jam-jar eating each other then know they are Chuchmeks. Since they have their own priesthood the semantics of which goes back to such romantic notions as to guzzle, to devour and to gorge. This kind of priesthood has a quite human look and unfortunate foreigners leading intelligent conversations with them won’t even imagine that in front of them are all the same Chuchmeks. However, it is possible that these rich uncles from abroad themselves are the reproduction of their own priesthood. After all, priesthood of the whole world today is concerned to have as many Chuchmeks as possible on the globe.

But as for our Chushegons, they are a special subject. They are beings who want to sit at the same time on thirty chairs and each of them feels himself very respectable. As for the topic «Chuchmek and time» here we are waiting for such discoveries which Einstein never dreamed about! If due to the latter everything is relative then Chuchmek doesn’t believes that not even a little bit. Because he correlates everything with himself and most amazing is that any correlated phenomenon is worse than Сhuchmek. Well, for example, Chuchmek and Julius Caesar. It is clear that Caesar is worse. Or, for example, Chuchmek and the prophet Muhammad. Here, everything is much more scrupulous. Chuchmek understands that the prophet — is, anyway, a prophet. But, on the other hand, why he has to be better than Chuchmek? He also loves women and has a passion for wine. Otherwise, why would he forbid wine drinking and that is the most… to hide charms of females?

In general, all these prohibitions… on the one hand, they are close for Chuchmeks if they are prescribed for others, on the other hand, it seems he himself should follow them. The last circumstance for Chuchmek is extremely dishonorable. After all, he must give prohibitions for others rather than for himself. Here is an unwanted inversion that makes relationships between Chuchmek and the prophet extremely complex and sometimes unpredictable. For the prophet, of course…

When Chuchmek can’t catch up with something or someone he immediately tramples that into the mud and anathematizes and ostracized. Try in this situation to be on the same level with Chuchmek! It is a heavy thing… Thus, Chuchmek – is the only living being that overcame the irreversibility of time. Up to a complete moratorium. Chuchmek as a rock streamlined by flow of time that is converted into a shameful flight. When I see via a video player The Big American Canyons I think that Chuchmeks were there and have remained there in the form of rocks, ledges and abyss. America far moved on but it preserved its canyons as a museum under the open sky showing the sad fruits of selfless Chuchmeks. It seems not coincidently Abai in his «Octaves» refers to his countrymen as to abyss depriving them in animateness:

But what the abyss is made for

My cries won’t sound any more.

In my opinion, today utilization from animates into inanimate is continued. How far the process of mineralization developed or as Rene Guenon said by «induration» we can judge how Chuchmeks relate to the problem of generations’ change. It is known that without physical rejuvenation is difficult to expect changes in the spiritual sphere. As for Chuchmeks they are so «stubborn» in their former authority figures as if the sun is able to shine only in the past.

Let… God forbid a true talent to be born among Chuchmeks! Up to the age of Methuselah he would be considered a child and then advance him to a youngster. Until then any old man who suffers from idiosyncrasy and hypochondria even from infancy will bring them to the delight up to a complete insanity. I call this phenomenon as Kashcheyizm. From the words porridge and Kashchey. Thus, Chuchmek’s literature — is a chowder of Kashchey where here and there appear talents who are not Chuchmeks and immediately drown into the abyss of Kashchey.

Honestly, literature — is a special individual case. However, Chuchmeks recognize as a writer only the one who has been in the long endless lists the origin of which is lost in the offices of the «Kremlin mountaineer». Therefore, wrongly in the head of the registry you will be looking for Bulgakov and Gogol. The list of our classics is as follows: Lyapkin-Tyapkin, Korobochka, Woland, Manilov, Koroviev, Nozdrev, Anushka and other fish of non-literary freshness. And just somewhere near the end you will stumble on the names of those who in tantalum throes gave birth to these «masterpieces» of the human race.

However, for me both Chuchmek-writer and Chuchmek-reader are all the same. I assure you that this is not a lapse. Of course, for us there is no secret how to have children but as for Chuchmek — reproduction of the bias and, therefore, he is born biased. And it doesn’t matter in which way. Dooming to be biased is important. In any case and in any endeavor.

If Chuchmek thinks it means he is obviously tramples logic. If he helps you can be sure that soon he will bring to the grave. Once I was helped by a minister, so I am already reeling from exhaustion — of nervous kind and other one. So be afraid of Chuchmek’s love for it is worse than hatred! Chuchmek’s love is like a sticky for flies: the more you want to take off, the more you get bogged down in it.

In short don’t expect anything good from Chuchmeks. And up until you will learn to hate all Chuchmeks don’t get ready for any activity. It will be in vain. It has become fashionable to abuse the epithet «new». New Russians, new Kazakhs, new neo-realists, magazine «New World» which, by the way, is much older than all the latter-day new items.

As for me, I have a cautious attitude to this definition. Consider yourself: what is the difference between the old Chuchmek and the new one? In my opinion, only by a degree of mimicry. The old one is trying to hide that he’s old but the new blatantly demonstrates that he is new. And try not to believe in that if he goes even to the toilet with iPhone. And these pagers currently have replaced daggers?! Isn’t that interesting when the burglar with the appearance of Abrek grabs his belt and pulls out a very little box instead of bladed weapons? Do you think «Abrek» has received urgent information? Nothing of the sort! He was simply reminded that it was time to go to sauna. After all, in this way he won’t remember because there are no grounds for.

In general, I think all these new like Pavlov’s dogs live by conditioned reflexes. Just nobody knows who put them on the experiment and what for? How could this radical change of values could happen so people now can’t be distinguished from machines when it is not the owner who rides the car, but the car instead of the owner? When you don’t decide while working on computer but computer itself decides instead of you? With such a pace the need in people will soon disappear at all.

What then will happen to all of us? Perhaps we will be herded into reservations and there will praise new Chuchmeks who invented all this doomsday. As regards compliance with the signifying the signified so there is neither the first nor the second but just a bare vitality with stupefying totalitarian tinge which is when farther becomes clearer.

It seems it is no coincidence we have such a reverence for authority as if we have been created not by conception but a special decree of the ruling family. Yes, Chuchmeks — are metaphysicists even before Plato and Aristotle inventing its special kind — the metaphysics of power. Its essence is that as the world is merely a display of eternal ideas and Chuchmeks are something like the passage of power. If Chuchmek has erogenous zones they only respond for fatherly affection of the leader and for nothing else.

As you can see, people are house trained so even the phallus, this silly and shameless person has forgotten about the female bosom, because he is waiting for instructions of the Chuchmek priesthood. My friend with a speech defect now and then confuses the words Turk and trick. Since impossibility of their adequate articulation he became a stutterer. And even for me the lexeme Turk is often associated with the trickery.

Needless to say, our Сhuchmeks — are the acrobats who are hard to find! One of them is a trick with democracy that is worth something! After all, what they wanted they have received — demonocracy. However, not to confuse the international community they have removed an adversative particle no. So why to have particles that resist! For those they have long time ago opened laboratory on Capitol Hill, a mysterious construction having an entrance but no exit. There our ministry ministers, that is, from normal people they create ministers. They remove meniscus of abnormal ones. That’s where I’m sitting and write these lines.

One and a half tyrannosaur and 799 jackals guarded me. The fact is that one tyrannosaurus has almost eaten another one. So he and jackals have something to profit. In general, if not for tyrannosaurs jackals would have died of hunger. After all, we non-Chuchmeks are not sterilized and, therefore, we don’t fall on their teeth. This is done in order not to infect jackals with too Chuchmek ideas. This is true as well. After all, what is Chuchmek? This effigy is full of prejudices more than straw. That’s why he doesn’t burn in the fire and doesn’t drown in the water. It hasn’t changed from the age of the dinosaurs and pterodactyl ideas.

Well, well, they came to arrest me. They will bring two electrodes to my temples and plug in high volts. Tremendous energy will draw my spirit out of the body and I will turn into a colorless light exactly the same as on your floor lamp or wall bracket… However, this is all nonsense. Chuchmeks — are the creatures the true essence of which illuminates Turkic «chuchmak» — to be afraid of something, to fall into the horror. Our priesthood doesn’t care about my literary trash. They rightly believe that silence is killing not worse than an open persecution. They will not remove my meniscus and even more they will not appoint me as a minister. I will be simply expelled from the country. They will remove as a rotten tooth from the healthy mouth. And each of us will know that it is not because of me, but Chuchmeks themselves.

Here I conceived the idea that, perhaps, had to embrace me from the very beginning: «In fact, why I am writing all of that?» If Chuchmeks are not given anything else to do then let them to do Chuchmek works. As the saying goes, to God what belongs to God, to creature what belongs to creature. Nevertheless, it’s nowhere mentioned that being a Chuchmek – is the best way of being. As for the holy books such as Bible, Quran, «Reflections» of Abai, they generally have nothing to do with the concept of Chuchmek. Then it is a local invention. Frankly speaking, I feel myself as Chuchmek among people who don’t understand the world of Chuchmeks. So maybe there is a deeper ground of being and thinking than our own notorious Chuchmek behavior?

Total chuchmekization that has now become our only reality is not very harmless so just to laugh at it. This is a monstrous power that overtakes itself and, therefore, preventing natural and spiritual formation of our peoples. Many of the values in our time, not having time to be born become unnecessary. For example, is it possible now to talk about the national idea when the country in our eyes turns into a huge stock exchange or joint stock company with unlimited irresponsibility? How the revival of culture is possible when no one wants to invest money in new names and fresh ideas?

If in right countries creative person who once took his place is becoming more and more famous, in ours we have over him only ever more increasing circles of oblivion. And each of us is suffocating in his own circle like a fish out of water. Even if it is oddly enough this miserable little fish has to have the whole sea to survive. And for us as well all the talks are fruitless if we are not able to get out of our notorious circles to establish society, nation and state. And only then we will consign to oblivion the oblivion itself…

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